WinterRaven's Story PS: I like Muffins
by PenguinonFireofthePyroPiggys
Summary: Who said muffins weren't weapons? Oh yeah. Me! Yay me!
1. Chapter 1

-1Winter raven fic.

A/N: Ummm… this is going to be the only serious part of the story. But, it's uber serious, so don't show this to young children. They need to at LEAST have heard the puberty talk for this chapter. Also, you'll see a little instance where the most powerful substance in the world becomes a person. Watch out for that.

There once was a girl.

That line just made me hurl.

Now that was way rude!

And now I have an attitude.

Stop!

Pop!

I hate you.

Seven.

Can we start over?

Go ahead.

Raven had just finished her homework and was looking forward to the next day, mainly because it was a snow day, and partially because her best friend had come to stay the weekend in Herndon, Virginia, a little town to the southeast of Washington, D.C..

"Raven!" Her mother had decided to name her after her favorite bird. "Dinner!"

"I'll be down in a minute!" Raven replied. _Just need to call Cassie to see when she's going to make it._ She picked up the phone, and rather than hearing the dial tone, heard her father having phone sex with a woman named Gloria. She quietly snuck downstairs and came face to face with Mrs. Winter, her mother. He put the phone to her ear, and then pointed at her mom and then the phone. Mrs. Winter listened to Mr. Winter over the phone, and pressed the End button angrily. "Mom, please. Don't do anything until after Cassie leaves. If you two argue, she won't be allowed to stay."

Mrs. Winter looked at her daughter and sighed. "Alright. But only because you two have been planning on this for months. Literally." She smiled. "And because you've done everything I asked you to." They hugged for a brief second until Mr. Winter stormed down the stairs.

"You prying, little BITCH!" He was fuming mad. Appearantly, Mrs. Winter had not pressed the End button down enough, as it didn't always work.

"Dad-" Raven didn't get any more out of her mouth than that before her father punched her, knocking her out.

Mrs. Winter slapped him, but that slap just made him madder. He grabbed her by the hair and smashed her head into the table. Mrs. Winter's nose was bleeding, and her head throbbing., but she tried to resist. This resulted in another face print into the table's glass top. He grabbed her wrists with one hand and held her face to the glass with the other, after removing the underwear from underneath her dress and unzipping his pants to remove an erect penis. He raped her, as he had raped her several times before. Only this time, she had fought back, because her daughter's life was at stake. This, he could not have. After he was done with her, he smashed her head into the corner of the table, splitting her skull and killing her instantly. Now there was only his daughter, who was just beginning to wake up. He did the same to his daughter as he had to his wife, without the skull splitting.

"I'll teach you to rat out your father." Raven, who was only fifteen, cried. Cried because her father had killed her mother, cried because her father was raping her, cried because her father had beaten her, and cried because of the pain caused by the penis entering into her vagina forcibly. And she cried because soon, unless something miraculous happened, her friend would be subject to her father's cruelty.

"Daddy! Please! Stop!" She cried. This wasn't acceptable, and he released his cum onto her back.

"Take a shower, bitch, and don't tell anyone of this." He shoved her onto the stairs and disposed of his wife's body.

She went upstairs and showered. She knew he would check for any evidence of him having done anything to her. If he found any, he would probably rape her again and then help make sure she was clean if it wasn't good enough. She went to bed and cried herself to sleep.

It was after 1:00 when Cassie made it to Raven's house the next day. "Sorry, I'm late, but we saw a bird run into a really clean window, and we had to give it a proper burial." Cassie gave Raven hug and Raven sniffed. "What's wrong?"

Raven, invisioning the look on Mr. Winter's face the night before, said "Nothing," and asked Cassie if she wanted to go to one of the new neighbors' house.

"Okay! Who moved out?"

"Old Man FeeBrez."

"Awww…" The twosome made their way to the house and walked up to the door and knocked. They talked of what had happened since July, which was when they last saw each other.

"And then, last night, on the train- what's wrong." Raven had started sobbing, remembering her father's cruelty.

"Last night… my dad… he…" He began to cry again, and that's when the door opened and Old Man FeeBrez stood in the doorway.

"Raven? What's wrong?" Cassie looked at Raven, then Old Man FeeBrez, and back at Raven. "What happened? Here, you two come inside." He pushed the two girls into the house and closed the door.

"Ray, why are you crying? What'd your dad do?" Cassie was worried.

"H-he-he-he k-k-killed Mom!" She bawled into the chest of her best friend, who just hugged her comfortably.

"Hey! Dad! I'm back from the store!" A young boy, probably not more than 19, walked into the room with some bags of cereal and milk. "Ummm… who are these people?"

Mr. FeeBrez introduced the boy, Joey Russel, as his adopted son and explained to him what had been revealed to him.

"Oh… wow." Raven had stopped crying, but still occasionally stuttered in her breathing. She then explained to them the events of the previous night. They decided that if the police got involved, then Mr. Winter would kill Raven.

After much talking, Raven and Cassie returned to Raven's house. Mr. Winter was waiting for them. "Raven, come here please." Raven exchanged looks with Cassie, shrugged and walked over to her father casually. This surprised him, but he dismissed it. "Hey, last night, our little secret. It will never happen again. I promise. So, between just you and me, okay?" He asked quietly. She nodded and he spanked her butt as she turned to leave the room.

"What was that about, Raven?" Cassie knew, of course, exactly what it was about.

Raven smiled and said, "Nothing." They rushed upstairs and went to Raven's room.

"Cassie?"

"Yeah?"

"Which looks better, the pink or the blue skirt?" She put them next to each other . "I dunno what to wear tomorrow for the annual Bilbo Baggins concert."

"Blue works for you more." Cassie smiled. Then, there was a knock on the door. They looked out the window to see who it was and saw a policeman along with some others. Cassie and Raven opened the window and asked the policeman what he wanted.

"Ummm… would either of you be the daughter of a Mrs. Winter?" Raven raised her hand. "I'm sorry, but we found her body in the dump to the west of us." Raven frowned and held up a sign that she had made in an unmentioned point in time that said 'It was my dad!' for the cop to see. "Really?" They nodded and Mr. Winter came to the door.

"Sorry, officer, but I was in the bathroom." The officer nodded and held up a picture of Mrs. Winter's body. "We found her in the dump and have determined that she died sometime between 8:00 and 9:00 P.M. last night. We'll need to take you to identify her body and to know where you were that day."

Mr. Winter looked at the ground. "She's really…?" He paused and looked up at the window to Raven's room. _Nothing unusual._ He sighed and let the police officer take him to the morgue. As the officer let him into the back of the car, he looked at the girl's window and saw Raven nodding.

As the car backed out, Raven turned to Cassie. "Okay. He's gone. Now's our chance to get to the police station." They quickly stole a bunch of money from their father's wallet, as well as some credit cards, and headed to various stores in the area, buying gift cards from Target, Giant, Best Buy, where they also bought a couple of cell phones, Barnes and Noble, and McDonalds.

"Cassie, now, we should head to the station and let them protect us from my father." Raven's stomache growled.

"Let's go to the Silver Diner first. I'm hungry, too." So, they did. And boy were those platters hot!

Now Andy, you can't say that?

What? They were warm to the touch!

"Hey! Why are there two voices instead of one, Cassie? I thought there was only supposed to be one." Raven was confused.

"I don't know. Hey, voices? Why are there two of you?"

Because… Ummm… Because Michigan is near Wisconson.

"Okay, that makes sense."

"No, it doesn't Cassie. Tell us why, oh voice from the heavens." People were looking at them funny now.

Quite simple, actually. It's because Mr. FeeBrez is really a Martian and Abraham Lincoln was really Jesus.

Now, Andy, you know there might be Jewish people here.

"Well, who cares? I'm just glad I have a clear, honest answer."

Tch. Whatever, little one. Anyways, back to the story.

After getting their fair share of food, they quickly hurried to the police station. As they rushed in, they were stopped by a large police officer, named Ricky Bobby.

Isn't Ricky Bobby the guy from that racing movie?

No, that's Will Ferrell PLAYING Ricky Bobby. Though he was mighty convincing though.

Did you go redneck on me?

Nope. I dunno what a redneck is.

"Hey! Can we please get back on track? Hey that rhymes!"

So it does… So it does…


	2. Chapter 2 Hey I like pie

-1Hey guys. I'm glad to know that you all liked the story, despite the fact that you all think that its ultra uber random compared to my pet boxer-briefs.

Hey. Diphead. Why don't you just tell the god damn story and shut up?

I swear. I just heard a guy yell at a mirror.

Yeah! I'm talking to a mi- wait a minute.

I never said it was a smart guy.

What? Bring it on, pansy.

I bet you're not man enough to handle ME you little momma's boy!

What?… Say that again…

I would, but I'm afraid it would overload your little pea brain mind.

…Take that back.

READ ME!

That's it! Monkey! ATTACK!

Oh the pain…

Now, to get back to the story.

Yeah, okay… In the second chapter of this randomly placed news article.

"This is a news article?" Cassie turned her heads in confusion.

"Why wouldn't it be? It's like asking if people take shits… They do." Raven noticed the curious look on Cassie's face. "Now, what magazine are we in?"

"Aren't we supposed to be in a news article?"

No, now shut up. Do you really want to be attacked by monkey?

"No, mister narrator… two?" They asked.

Right. Now, as I was saying… The two girls were in the Silver Diner, having some fun, when a kamikazi watermelon ate their pie.

"Ahh! A kamikazi watermelon ate my pie!" Raven cried.

"I'll get it back!" A boy they recognized, but couldn't quite remember, was on the kamikazi watermelon's back and had it's hand down it's throat. However, it ran into the wall of the local Spikey Wall Factory, where the boy was impaled on a very distressed chicken. They identified the boy as Joey Russel. However, the boy wasn't dead yet.

"I'm not quite dead yet!" They boy cried out to the coroner.

"I believe he was impaled. Probably on this randomly located chicken. He died instantly."

"But, I'm not dead yet!"

Old Man FeeBrez entered the room with tears in his eyes. "The closest thing to a son… gone…"

The coroner put her arm on his back to comfort him. "Yeah. It's never a good feeling."

"Hello? I'm right here! Perfectly alive. I'm even doing a tapdance routine!" Joey was indeed doing a tap dance routine. However, he was ignored.

Then, Addrian Monk, a germophobic detective with OCD, walked onto the scene of the event.. The coroner held out her hand, but Monk was too afraid to touch her. "I-I-I have a-a thing with handshakes. You know?" The coroner politely smiled and walked away. "I believe he was killed by that dolphin!" He pointed to a bleeding dolphin with an AK-47. The mammal was arrested and put on trial for murder one.

"But, I'm not even dead!" Joey rushed out of the diner screaming in anger, when he was attacked by a vampire. He was bitten, but then the dolphin killed the vampire with a thrust of its beak. No one knew that it was actually a bottle cap in disguise. The monkey that lived on its back threw a fit when his head exploded into nothingness. Joey was now one of the undead, a creature of the night, and was prone to violent explosions that would undo themselves at sundown. He was lucky, because it was night. "Ummm… what just happened?"

"Oh, my gosh! Joey! You're-you're-!" Cassie stuttered.

"JOEY!!!" Raven wrapped her arms around Joey's neck and hugged him. "I thought you were killed in that kamikazi watermelon accident!"

"Does anyone notice me?" Joey sighed.

To want the truth or do you want me to be nice?

"Nice."

Too bad. No one notices you. You're just too boring. Until now, because you're a vampire.

"What? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Joey cried as he fell to his knees. "I'm not supposed to be a vampire!"

Yeah you are. My client said that you were to be a vampire, so you're gonna be a vampire. And remember that nothing good ever comes from arguing with the narrator.

"Grrrr… I'm going to hit you!" He pulled back his fist.

Raven grabbed his hand, holding him back. "No! We have to run away from my evil, demented and quite demented father!"

"You're right." He sighed and glared at me, the narrator. "Hey, weren't there two of you?"

Yes, but we got into a fight that I won.

No, I won.

Nu uh!

Uh huh!

Oh don't you 'Uh huh' my 'Nu uh!' Go away! Look, he's going away!

No I'm not. Wait… Oh… yeah, I guess I am… DAMN YOU, OH, DASTARDLY ONE!

Hey, It's not my fault the chicken lays the egg.

"That didn't make any sense." Joey cocked an eyebrow.

Proove me wrong.

"Oh… no, please." Joey cowered in a corner.

"Joey, come on." Raven and Cassie pulled on his arms, but he resisted.

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

Raven stopped pulling. "I'll give you a kiss." She added under her breath, "from a dog."

Joey stopped to think. "On the lips or the cheek?"

"Lips… I guess… If you promise to keep your eyes closed."

Cassie frowned. "Hey, she's mine!" The other two stared at her. "Um… I mean… uh… forget I said anything."

Raven looked at Cassie. "Hey, can I talk to you really quickly?" She pulled Cassie into the ladies' room in the police office, which they had gotten to by putting their feet behind their heads. If you must know, Joey was there because he did the chicken dance, but he was still in the lobby. Anyways… "Cassie? What's up? You got jealous when I said I'd kiss Joey."

Cassie blushed and mumbled incoherently.

"Cassie…" She glared at her friend.

"Okay! Fine!" Cassie pouted and stomped her foot. "It's… I just… I recently discovered that I've been a lesbian. Or I was in denial about it anyways." She buried her face in her hands and Raven hugged her gently.

"Cassie, you're my best friend, and I would do just about anything for you, but I'm not into that, you know?"

"Raven… I'm sorry." Cassie let herself be led to the lobby, where Joey was waiting. "Go."

Raven grinned, and told Cassie what she planned to do. Cassie giggled. Raven walked up to Joey, smiling. "Okay, Joey, close your eyes." He did. She moved closer to him, and, right before their lips touched, she put a toad to his lips. He kissed the amphibian passionately. She pulled the toad away and threw it at a cop, who was leading her father away. The cop fell onto her back, and Mr. Winter noticed his daughter and freaked. He grabbed her gun and fired. But as he did, the kamikazi watermelon that had mortally wounded Joey, took the bullet and exploded into watermelon parts. Mr. Winter was shot dead in the lobby of the station, and the kamikazi watermelon was given a hero's burial.

Well, that's the end of this chapter.

"Really, Sir Narrator?"

Yes, Cassie. Oh, and I desided that in this story, you will never get a girlfriend.

"What?!?"

Yeah. You'll find out that the Feminist Lesbians of America just brainwashed you into being a lesbian, and then you'll infiltrate them and destroy their brainwashing machine of sexy lesbianism.

"Oh. So I'm not a lesbian?"

Well, you are, but at the same time, you really aren't.

"So I'm… huh?"

"Andy! Oops. Mr. Narrator! That's so confusing! You need to talk simple. Watch. Cassie."

"Yes?"

"What A- Mr. Narrator means is that you only THINK you are a lesbian, and will have that mindset until you infiltrate F.L.A."

That's simple?

"Yes."

"No."

"What?!?"

"You know. No. As in: not yes. The opposite of si."

"Bah! You know what, forget about all of this."

"Okay!… Who wants pie?"


End file.
